My Childhood Gay Experiences - Part 2

If I remember correctly, Tom was sleeping to my left, and John was sleeping to my right. I was awake, laying on the floor. After some time, I was pretty sure that both of them were already asleep. I turned on my side so I could have a really close look of John's face. His eyes were of course closed. I whispered his name to see if he would answer me. No answer. And then I reached my arm over to him. I think he was wearing either a tank top or a sleeveless shirt at the time, so I could feel his left upper arm. I touched it gently and moved my fingers up and down his arm, and I stopped at his armpit. My puberty hit very late compared to other kids of the same age, so at the time I still had little to nothing on my armpits. He, on the other hand, already had quite a bush there, like a grown man would. I began to play with his armpit hair, and touched the skin on his arm some more. Up and down, and up, and down.

That's all. Nothing exciting happened that night. We were only 15 or 16 at that time after all. To this date, I am still not sure whether he knew what I did to him that night. He continued to walk up to me and hold my hand after school, and I felt like I wanted to share every moment with him. Was this love? I wasn't sure.

Anyway, I really wanted to tell him how I felt, but I did not have the courage to tell him in person. After all, it was a pretty conservative society. Although his feelings for me were obvious (to me at least), I still didn't want to take the chance of being rejected by him in person. So, I typed up a really long letter telling him about me, how I felt about him, and us, and I saved the document on a floppy disk (how ancient!). I did this instead of a regular letter because I didn't want him to read it at school. I wanted him to have to go home to read it. That night was another sleepless night...The next day, I was waiting anxiously for his answer. He didn't say anything to me the whole day, so I wasn't sure what's wrong. I finally walked up to him and asked him if he read my letter, and if so, what he thought about it. He nodded and shook his head. I knew immediately what that meant. He was trying to tell me that he's not gay. I felt really really sad that day, and the thought of killing myself popped into my head. "What if he tells other people at school? What if he told my other friends? What if he doesn't want to be my friend any more?" So many what-if's were circling my head and I felt so powerless.

At this time, my family was considering moving to the United States. I was undecided at the time, but after what happened, I immediately told my parents that I did want to move. I could not go back to that school and face him and other people at school. I could not possibly imagine what people would say behind my back. I needed a fresh start.So we moved to the United States. End of story. I talked to the guy (John) a few times after I left, and he seemed pretty normal. I also talked to other friends and it didn't seem like they knew.

There is something that I would like to tell other teenage boys who might be experiencing the same thing right now. If you can't get the guy you like to like you back, it is NOT the end of the world. The thought of killing myself was VERY STUPID, and I hope that none of you will ever feel that way. After all, there is always gay porn on the Internet and your right hand.

May I ask some of you who happen to read this article to share your puppy love stories?