My Childhood Gay Experiences - Part 1

Throughout my childhood, I've known that I liked boys. Well, maybe I had this "thing" with this girl in elementary school, but it wasn't anything serious like boyfriend and girlfriend. I just know that I thought she was pretty so I liked to pull her hair and chase her around school. What I really liked was this boy in my class. He was so cute. We would hang out after school, go eat and drink boba drinks, and I remember this one time that I passed a note to him in a class, asking him what kind of underwear he was wearing. Oh god how embarrassing!!! He passed the note back to me and said that he was wearing white briefs. Can you picture how blushed I was? Imagine what would have happened to me if the teacher caught us passing the note to each other. Afterwards, we went to different middle schools, and we gradually lost touch. Thinking back though, I don't think he is gay. He was probably just in the mood of "boys-don't-like-girls-so-I-will-play-with-him."

I didn't have a definite realization that I was gay until I was about in the 8th grade. Believe it or not, the word "gay" was already known in the then pretty conservative Taiwan. I remember that a bunch of boys in my class would flock together and look at books of pictures of naked women, and that I wouldn't understand why they wanted to look at those. I began to realize that I "might" like boys instead of girls. I thought I could change it, so I borrowed and took home with me one of those photo books from a guy in my class. I got into my room, pulled down my pants, and I was staring at those pictures while occasionally glancing over my penis, checking if it grew bigger. It didn't (wipe that surprised facial expression from your faces!). At that time, we also got the turtle-speed dial-up Internet connection, and at first I was looking for pictures of naked women. It just wouldn't excite me. This lasted about a few months. One day, I decided to look for pictures of naked guys, and BAM! it went up so fast that I thought there was a breeze in my room. I finally realized that it's men that would excite me, but it took me a while to accept it. I thought being gay was a horrible punishment that God (or Buddha) is giving me because I did something wrong. I did not want to be gay because I didn't want to disappoint my parents and friends. There were many sleepless nights and mental struggles that I went through, and then I saw some more pictures of naked men on the Internet, and thought... What the heck. I do enjoy this, and I am going to look for more pictures of naked men. I became addicted to Internet porn since then.

I can't recall having any gay experiences when I was in middle school other than enjoying gay porn on the Internet. By the time I got in high school, I already fully accepted that I was gay, although I hadn't told anyone. There were two guys in my class. They already knew each other because they went to the same middle school. Both of them were pretty cute, so I quickly became friends with them. Ok, this is what high school English teachers would tell you that it's a post hoc fallacy. Wrong cause-effect reasoning here. Let me start over... Both of them were pretty cute, and they were the first two guys that talked to me. so we became friends right away. Anyway, I noticed that one of them would look at me weird, like he's interested in me. Let's call him John although that's a very common Chinese name. Of course, nothing happened for a while. Fast forward one year or so, John and his friend (let's call him Tom, another uncommon Chinese name), and I were still very good friends. One day after school, John came up to me and held my hand as we walked home, in broad daylight with everyone else in school around us. I thought that was pretty strange and maybe he's telling me something. This happened several times for a while. I finally bit the bullet and asked both John and Tom to my house on a weekend to sleep over. I couldn't just invite John because Tom would feel left out and I thought he would suspect something. When they came over that weekend, we fooled around, watched TV, doing what other teenage boys would do basically. We all slept on the floor because my bed wasn't big enough. I don't remember what I said to them but I managed to make sure that I did sleep between them that night. And then...

To be continued... I know it's cruel, but I am a little sick of typing now. :-)