Days of Our Lives - Episode 1

This is like an episode of soap opera, so I titled the post as Days of Our Lives. I am debating whether to write about this because it's so personal. I feel so naked in front of the world to pour my thoughts out like this. It's 3:15 AM when I start writing this, but I couldn't sleep, and I really want to know what people think about the whole situation. Here it is...

Two nights ago, I came home from work as usual. I went into my room to check emails and surf as usual. The Boyfriend came to my room and asked what I wanted for my birthday. I told him instead of getting whatever I tell him I want, I would prefer that he spends time to think about what I would like. Even if it turned out to be something not at the top of my list, at least I will know that he tried and put lots of thoughts into it. He went downstairs to make dinner. We ate. I did the dishes. Just as I was walking upstairs, he asked me to come back down and sit with him in the living room. Straight off the bat, he asked me if I was happy with our relationship. I said I was. He said he hasn't been, for a long time. It came as a big shock to me. He said he's been putting up a happy face in front of me so I wouldn't worry, and at the same time trying to say things and get me to do things with him in order to fix the problems. I told him it was very surprising to me. He said it was surprising to him that it was surprising to me.

I completely did not see this coming. Some background... Throughout the past 6 years, I have to admit that I haven't treated him like a boyfriend. Sometimes I say mean and hurtful things. If you read some of the posts, you would know that I have a quick mouth and don't do too much thinking before I say things. I also haven't put in enough efforts to make him happy. A lot of the times, I just took and took and that forced him to give and give. Basically, he said he hasn't felt loved for a long time. His feelings for me gradually faded. However, just like he said, he tried to put up a happy face and acted like nothing was wrong. No wonder it was a big surprise to me when he finally sat me down and talked to me seriously about it. Even on Wednesday night when he came into my room to ask what I wanted for my birthday, that question was accompanied by a brief bj from him. I mean... how was I supposed to know that anything was wrong? As far as I know, he was still into me that night. If I had known earlier, I would have tried harder, cared more about his feelings, and paid more attention to him.

That night, we discussed our options. Option 1: (I suggested this.) I said I wanted to change and treat him the way he wants to be treated. It's not about changing who I am. It's about paying more attention to how he feels and be more considerate. Honestly this is not a lot to ask of me. I am willing to try! Option 2: (He suggested this, and I have a feeling that this was what he would eventually pick.) He wants to take a 3~4 month break. During this break, he said he may be seeing other guys, and whatever he does, it will be "safe." He was referring to sex if it's not obvious enough. He is not saying he definitely will see other guys, but he just can't say for sure that he won't. He also said that at this time, he would prefer that I wait and not see other guys. He knew it's not fair to ask me that but that's his preference. I responded that it is not going to happen like that, and in my head I was yelling a big SCREW YOU. He cannot possibly expect me to be the normal obedient wife that waits for the husband to come home every night after he fools around with other people. At this time, he said fine, I could do the same, too. (See how much he wanted Option 2?)

So our conversation basically ended here that night. We decided that we would spend a few days thinking about these options. I didn't understand why he couldn't pick option 1 immediately and work with me. It makes me feel he was leaning towards option 2 and already picked it prior to our conversion. I couldn't sleep that night. I woke up in the middle of the night to go to my room and stayed for a couple hours. I am putting Episode 2 into another post...